radiation...

I sat at a table in my local Starbucks yesterday afternoon, next to three tables of young women writers. Beautiful, energetic, excited, passionate, intelligent, motivated women...some natural headed, or dreaded, adorned in silver and cowrie shells...some permed, perfectly coiffed, or wrapped...in the latest prada or kate spade, and a lil platinum jewelry...but all radiating this...light. There was a marketing exec, a graphic designer, a grad student, a lawyer, a social worker....all seemed to have achieved a certain level of what they perceived to be success in their chosen field. The were all radiant....in their self-awareness, confidence....passion.

Folks came & left....buying coffee, making casual conversation...but they all, male & female, young & old, seemed to be attracted to that light. The sistas asked that I capture the moment, on digital technology for them, and I happily obliged, grateful to share that moment with them briefly. The crowded together, multi-hued, wrapped in multi-colors and smiled...and shined. As I took the picture, a tall, attractive brother holding a tall gingerbread latte asked if I wasn't supposed to be in that picture with them, and if he could assist? How flattered...how blessed....how can I describe how I felt? I thanked him & said no, captured the moment digitally, and in my memory. And stopped for a moment to think how blessed I was.

I like to think of that light that these sistas radiated, as the God within them..the God within me...the God that resides within all of us. I'm so blessed that I know that He's real, and that I accepted Him into my heart, that I know enough to subject my will to His, and am able to follow His plan. And if I resembled those sistas even a little bit..even a smidgen.....I'm grateful for that as well.

Now, if I can only stop assigning these corny titles to every blog....

...it's been a long time...

not to quote hip-hop classics, but that's apt. I swear, I keep vowing to not just blog when something's bothering me, but it never happens that way. Anyway....

Today's topic: romance...not even gonna try and make it cute, or witty. Just the straight, uncut truth.

There was a guy, that loved me unconditionally. And not only accepted me for what I was, but saw in me the potential to be....more. Not in a negative way, he just believed that I was too intelligent not to do big things. He was my friend & my lover. But, neither of us was ready for a commitment. Him, being the more mature person...did the right thing & backed off...because he knew that we couldn't be halfway. We needed to separate, so that neither of us got hurt. I, being....selfish? ( I didn't think so at the time)...I tried to force his hand, and when that didn't work, I tried to ignore his feelings. I ....I broke his heart. Not once, or twice...but three times that I know of. Twice in succession..within a span of 6 months.

Why do I even bring this up now? Because I still love him. He's still my friend. And given a chance, I'd be with him. But it'll never happen. I was so stupid, selfish....self-involved..and naive. And now that I know better, it's too late. I can preserve the friendship...we'll always have that. In a way, that's more important than anything.

Yeah, I try to convince myself that's true. But what we had was precious. It WAS real, and honest..and pure. And I'm scared...that I'll never find that again. You don't come across a love that's truly genuine & unconditional everyday. I know that's how it's supposed to be, but if that were the case, there wouldn't be so many of us out there, looking for someone who's real, and not about playing games. I had that one true love , and I squandered it. And I can't get it back.

How many times can you hurt a person before they forget whatever was good between you...and focus on the fact you caused them pain? And is there a way to ever get past that?

Enough whining. It was a long time ago...I need to get over it.

Oh, and yeah...it's safe to say that JS is a wash (who knew?), JC is a wash ( well, that's been apparent for a while). Gosh, it takes a huge effort just to get me to like someone, and have more than a passing interest. Love? I believe (not beginning to believe, that would make it seem to be a recent development, and it's so obviously not) that Love is beyond me.

I wish to bid this Shakesperian tragedy, adieu...